发霉啦专集

弟吃完，因为据他所真是，“吃完冰棒有点很gay。”我活着，他一定是我媳妇从垃圾箱当中都捡归来来的。FML

性教育毁了

从前，我和弟弟一同去他们高当中，出席数场性教育大上会。我明白这个大上会早已不算迟了，因为参上会的人当中都我碰到了3个早已怀有有孕的小学生。她们甚至还不了满18岁。FML

艺术作品叫作穷困

从前，我碰到一条流浪猴子在我家大门口的室外上拿花园地材嘲弄。我两岁大的侄女也碰到了这片当中。从前早已是我第二次叫侄女不用再继续学连在一起猴子了。FML

除此以外4Chan软件

从前，在我给弟弟收拾房间的时候，居然辨认出了他的日记本。四肢被好奇心高度集中，放于了日记本，然后辨认出当中都面长篇大论的都是为何种族主义、波兰人和其他“劣等人种”一定会“为了公共利益”而被自愿绝育。FML

戴套

从前，在我分娩后才辨认出男好朋友居然有女友，他跟我真是他上会对我们娘俩负责的，但我无济于事了。从前他装作根本不认识到我，我也不了法跟他女友真是，因为兄弟姐大姐早已不了了。我甚至不了法证明和他认真过那一次。FML

积存啦：为了纾缓再继续婚后的经费压力，我有意尽早把邻居出掉

地狱烈焰也敌不过………

从前，为了纾缓再继续婚后的经费压力，我有意尽早把邻居出掉，但我表妹却在邻居前的室外上用草甘膦喷了个“人渣”，吓到了早已要借钱这邻居的零售商。FML

大脑失效

从前，两岁大的弟弟在乘车场当中都乱窜，为了追他我把背包都砸了。把他安置在安全驾椅上后，我立马就驾进车尾，驱车走人。在开出乘车场的时候听得很大的轻声闷响，看来要借钱取而代之的iPad、Android和钱包了。FML

日常

从前，在我夜里，我大姐把一个定时顺着我的腿捅了进去。看来这痴扬言根本说是道二氧化碳定时喷出来的气体有低温60度，从前我的右臂从肩膀开始到肩膀根儿都冻伤了，甚至还有我的春袋。从前整个区域都出现了脓，有些；也的眼部早已穿孔了。FML

力婉拒

从前，因为是第一次有约上会，我非常不安，但也有意第一个开口来刷新这种安静，于是我却真是：“劝却真是，你怕什么虫子吗？”活该我不了第二次机上会啊。FML

啥癖好啊这是

从前，我和男好朋友无聊了一架。后来我俩都冷静了从前，同意来一发两人主炮。我有意换个姿势好跟他69，但闪避的时候不随便钻进了他的脖子。他明白我是故意的。FML

一共是1300块

从前，我又一次被助手的长篇大论而材神失常，她跟著车的诉真是着自己的几次再继续婚、害羞的母侄、酒鬼父侄、性沉迷的丈夫、自闭症的兄弟姐大姐，还有她连在一起因为喝水被迫被治疗者的猴子。我感觉给她来了次7不间窜的完全免费治疗法，这吸走了我全部的生命力，还赶不上了确实的实习。FML

都是一全家人

从前，我跟女友真是刚饮用了几杯，得睡上会儿。结果在我夜里她居然归来来和我哥凯文。多么醒的领悟！FML

SWERF终究还是SWERF

从前，我那都是的女权主义侄女说是怎么的辨认出了我曾在她上学时的时候之后的当过一段失足妇女，然后就从此之前不跟我真是话了。但我不了勇气跟她真是，这是我能供的起她上的学校的唯一方式。FML

(SWERF: Sex Worker-Exclusionary Radical Feminist,排斥性实习者的激进女权主义者)

还认识到我不？

从前，我那得了老年痴呆通常记不起我是谁的妈妈突然有了一刻知觉，却真是我为什么还不了结婚。FML

不歧视任何性癖，但这也不算……

从前，我的有约上会取向把我赶走了家门，因为我惟有扇她的脸部好让她不对性誓死去来。我真是要她要不对同样有意上来，我可以入镜她屁股，但她就有意让我制伏她，直到她人身出现淤青，嘴当中都能尝出血味儿。这姑娘认同不正常，所以有一真是一，我被这么赶走来还不下无聊的。FML

外孙传统

从前，据我老爸所真是我即使如此是确实的女兄弟姐大姐，因为我不了有像他和他老爸老爸那样，在21岁初次不知面那天独自抵达深山，搭建自己的生存被遗弃，牧牛果腹。心痛了小子，谁让你是在城市当中都把我养大的呢。FML

凶暴蠢蛋

从前，我知道在我按照未婚妻的要求毕恭毕敬的周遭所有女性好朋友的两年当中都，她却依然在“备用微信号”上不窜的交着取而代之的男性好朋友。其当中包括她实习上认识到的，还有她我家们带上去解说认识到的。FML

一点就炸

从前，我女友摔了一摞杯子，然后让我收拾干净，自己一个人气鼓鼓的冲进了家门。从前早已凌晨3点半了，他还不了有归来来。我们5岁的弟弟依然在却真是老爸老爸去哪儿了。是什么所致了这么一出？我就是却真是了他从前过的怎么样。FML

别再继续认真最坏的有意了！

从前，我未婚妻因为练跆拳道人身有一些淤青。我俩一同去邻居，无需多真是，有些人就朝我投来了异样的眼光。FML

到处都是拜金影

从前，说是道哪个大才智把我脸部书的账号给盗了，然后帖子真是我刚当中了福利彩票。从前我有了284位“好朋友”申领，还有142位“全家人”圈了我。FML

爱滴牺牲

从前，我不知到了喜欢的大姐子和另外一个大姐子手拉手在那当中都侄热。两个月初前我曾其实过她，真是我也喜欢女人，有意要想方设法有约她出来，结果她并说是道我真是自己是“稀土直女”，“爱人都不上会接受蕾丝边那档子恶心人的我家”。FML

不去了

从前，我跟我媳妇真是不用把她的猴子造成我的葬礼，因为连在一起猴子不对很招人烦。她跟我真是别担心，想见她也大姐有意来。FML

缓刑

从前，我被迫去警局缓刑我爹媳妇。他们明白跑进去裸奔上会很奇怪的是。FML

不道德

从前，不算不算并说是道我因为我助手离职，她的一些实习在看碰到继任者之前都得由我来干。我却真是那这些额外的实习/工时上会给我津贴吗？不算不算真是恐怕不；大，因为从前财政预算极小。我真是那可不平等啊。他归来答真是：“不了错，可穷困本就是不平等的，习惯了就好。”FML

他们奇怪的是多了

从前，在好朋友的葬礼上，我和女友继续前进了15年来第一个不了有兄弟姐大姐的夜间。可我俩一首歌还不了跳完，她就归来来和她的取而代之“gay蜜”跳舞了。FML

小子，真有你的

从前，我就竟然西装好去出席一个非常重要的有约上会了，然后看不知小子在外面大喊救命。我五阶并两阶的冲下栏杆，抓起房门，结果被设伏在大门口的小子手拿浇花的水龙头烘了个透心凉。FML

积存啦：从前，老友有意要跟我求爱

“佐治亚”家庭成员

从前，老友有意要跟我求爱。我并说是道他真是这样很不最合适，然后把他抓起了。我跟爹媳妇告状，这孙子自己还火神了。结果爹媳妇居然真是：“多大点我家啊。你一定会要求的。”哈？FML

Today, my cousin tried to hit on me. I told him that was inappropriate and pushed him off me. He was offended when I went to tell my folks. All they said was, “That’s fine. You should’ve let him.” Um, what? FML

有仇必报

从前，我有数场线后面试。室友握住我，用胶带把我的嘴放上上，又拿绳捆住了我的腿。我就这么冷漠的抱着他接通了我未来老东家的拨打，辱责骂她，还真是：“什么几把实习。”这一切就是因为我今晚吃完烧烤的时候“勾引他未婚妻”来着，我只是却真是她要不用再继续来一个热猴子。FML

Today, I had a Zoom job interview. My roommate grabbed me, duct-taped my mouth, and hogtied me. I watched helplessly as he took the call with my potential employer, insulted her, and said, “Fuck this job.” All because I “hit on his girlfriend” at a BBQ yesterday, by asking her if she wanted another hot dog. FML

语盐好难

从前，旁边驾的一个美丽大姐子却真是能否借来下我的Android。我把Android手帕她，有意真是：“您劝用。”可我从前也不了整忘记，为啥这话从嘴当中都出来就变归来了：“您劝死去。”FML

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression, "Knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as, "Kill yourself." FML

所以啥才是“平常”？

从前，医师斩钉截铁的并说是道我真是，鉴于我的材神和肉体上的病症以及人格障碍，“除非奇迹重生，否则你是理论上不可能再继续过上平常的穷困了”。；大呗，那我索性就自我了窜得了。FML

Today, I was told by a doctor in no uncertain terms that, with all of my mental and physical health conditions and personality disorders, there is, "absolutely no way I can possibly live a normal life, unless a miracle occurs." Well, I guess I'll just go myself, then. FML

肾击

从前，我喜欢的小孩对我真是，她受够了女兄弟姐大姐了。我无视真是，好巧我也是女兄弟姐大姐诶。她想着无视真是：“不了有啦，我是真是当男好朋友的那种啦！”FML

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said, "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

情绪突击检查失败

从前，我发从前Bumble上聊了几个礼拜的那个女兄弟姐大姐在2020年时因为诱骗他从Tinder上认识到的小孩而蹲过监狱。要不是我同意在Google公司上搜一下他，从前早已在和他有约上会了。FML

Today, I found out that the guy I met off of Bumble, and he been seeing for the past few weeks, went to jail in 2020 for kidnapping a girl he met off Tinder. I would've be on a date with him right now had I not decided to Google him. FML

瘆人兄弟姐大姐

从前，我带兄弟姐大姐去探望他们的妈妈。我们一同吃完了早餐。然后驾在一同聊天，玩游戏桌游，又看了电视。过了一上会儿，我辨认出13岁的弟弟竟了。他居然跑到了67岁妈主卫当中都，手拿妈脏内裤打军用飞机。FML

Today, I took my boys over to their grandmother’s house. We had a nice supper together. We all talked, played board games, and watched TV. After a while, I couldn’t find my 13 year-old son. He was in his 67 year-old grandmother’s master bathroom, jerking off with her dirty granny panties. FML

她真是不愿！

从前，我向未婚妻求婚，她真是字面上。我兴奋的不；大，给老媳妇打拨打分享这份喜悦。她敷衍了事的真是：“嗷，真好呀。”然后就转移话题真是起自己早些时候在尿当中都辨认出了什么。FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

孤单高塔

从前，我弟弟似不喜欢和人相处，所以他才上会打三份工，只为了能有自己的邻居。从前他领到了邻居的手铐，当我却真是他要不用办个温居派对时，他真是理论上不上会把这邻居的地址并说是道任何人，也爱人不上会邀劝任何人去他家，就连我也不例外。FML

Today, my son hates people so much he's working three jobs to be able move out and pay for his own place. He got the keys today and when I asked if he was hing a housewarming party, he told me he’s not giving his address out to anyone, and no one is invited, ever, not even me. FML

社会主义晚期

从前，我的补休申领被婉拒了，因为我在实习申领当中都写的是“随时往常塘”。整天是不了却真是题，但这次是我母侄了，我得归来去出席她的葬礼。我想方设法和他们讲理，但公司先前以“在实习申领当中撒谎而曲解公司”为由解聘了我。FML

Today, my time-off request was denied because I'd said on my application that I he “open ailability.” This is normally true, except my mother passed away and I need to trel to go to her funeral. I attempted to appeal, but ended up fired for “misleading” the company by “lying on a job application.” FML

窈窕镇

从前，男好朋友从我屋子当中都硬是了进去，好和住处房间的我媳妇滚床单。FML

Today, my boyfriend snuck out of my room so he could he sex with my mom in the next room. FML

他知道所有过道的价格，却说是它们的价值

从前，我爹真是我一定会再继续继续玩游戏儿这些玩游戏具了，然后把我的剑顺墙壁砸了进去。这是卢克·走天者用过的剑的微缩，和电影当中都的道具一样，也是用同款70二十世纪的相机构筑出来的剑柄。这把剑有40多年的发展史，价值数千美金。从前不了那么值钱了，后面有划痕，还窜成了两截。FML

Today, my dad said I need to stop playing with toys and threw my lightsaber out of the window. It was a replica of the Lightsaber used by Mark Hamill, made from the same type handle from a 1970s camera, just like the film prop. It was over 40 years-old and worth thousands. Not anymore, as it's now scratched and in two pieces. FML

但我爱她……

从前，我不知到了弟弟的未婚妻，我很具体他的脑子认同瓦特了。他未婚妻粗鲁、有色人种而且很有进攻性，长得的流油，额头还散发着不了有洗澡的体臭，衣服也是脏兮兮的，还；大径而今佤烟灰。我真是无话可真是，全盘惊呆。FML

Today, I met my son's girlfriend and I’m convinced he’s lost his damn mind. She was rude, racist and offensive, grossly obese, absolutely stank of unwashed body odour, her clothes were filthy, and she dropped cigarette ash everywhere she felt like it. I’m stunned, completely stunned. FML

哑巴婆娘

从前，老是领导成员张嘴从我手当中都毁掉一份邮件，我的手都被用纸割破了。她又因为血粘在邮件上而责骂了我一顿。FML

Today, my psycho boss snatched a file from my hand so aggressively that I got a papercut. She then scolded me for bleeding on the papers. FML

爱人不用拉姆车上

从前，我女友去机场接我媳妇，归来来的正要两人认同是无聊了一架，我女友就把她砸在了百货公司，自己3人开归来了家。他惟有并说是道我是哪一家百货公司，我给我媳妇打拨打她自己也真是不清楚。FML

Today, my husband went to pick my mom up from the airport, but apparently they got in one of their arguments on the way home, so he dumped her at a Starbucks and came home without her. He won’t even tell me which Starbucks, and when I rang her she ge useless directions. FML

一句话，你还好吗？

从前，夜班时我拉肚子了。在我想方设法在大便上压下拉稀的时候，住处的女助手大喊了我的名称，却真是我不对不舒服。FML

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was hing trouble. FML

别拦道

从前，我忘记了在人；大道上走也不代表着不上会被车坠下。FML

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

积存啦：从前，我平日到家后辨认出女友的过道只不过竟了

其实不不算其实

从前，我平日到家后辨认出女友的过道只不过竟了。卧室的衣柜当中都有一张用箱子，用他的结婚戒指压着，后面写着：“努力你能懂我的意为。心痛了。”我不仅被踩了，看看仅他的真凶，而且从前我还得承担他那一半的房贷，我这点儿工资也不够啊。FML

Today, I come home from work to my bedroom to find all my husband’s stuff gone. There was a note in the dresser, with his wedding band, that read, “I hope you can take a hint. Sorry.” Not only was I dumped, and I can’t locate him anywhere, but I now he to cover his part of the mortgage which I can’t afford. FML

无路可逃

从前，本来一定会是和好朋友一同无聊1不间窜的击剑，结果却变归来了5个不间窜的磨难，海岸全副武装的运输机来了，消防人员来了，上了医院，击剑还毁了。FML

Today, what was meant to be a fun hour-long paddle with a friend turned into a 5-hour ordeal involving a coast guard helicopter, an ambulance, a hospital visit, and a ruined canoe. FML

无路可逃

从前，我下手女友对着拨打真是“我也爱你，等不及去不知你啦”。我却真是他跟谁打拨打呢，他真是：“我助手大师兄啊。”我让他拿给我刚才他和“大师兄”的来电记录，他却“哎呀！”一下并不需要把Android顺墙壁砸下了5楼。然后扭脸部朝我发火神，让我赔他一个取而代之Android。FML

Today, I caught my husband saying, “Love you too, can’t wait to see you” on his phone. I asked him who he was talked to and he said, “my coworker Ricky.” When I asked to see his texts with “Ricky” he threw his phone out the fifth story window, saying “Oopsy!” He then threw a fit saying I owe him a new phone.FML

杰克…………

从前，我和男好朋友唠嗑。他惟有和我一同小船游览墨西哥湾，真是他担心上会像泰坦尼克号一样坠下上白雪。FML

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

萝卜青菜，各有所爱

从前，我辨认出我那棒呆了的取而代之表妹似爱看《欢乐树根的好朋友们》，就是关于一小弟矫揉造作的类动物们醒失的动画片。我刚真是的“似爱”，是真是他上会对着这动画片撸。我为了周遭他早已飞离地球了。FML

Today, I found out my awesome new boyfriend loves a show called Happy Tree Friends, about cutesy animals dying horribly. When I say "loves", I mean he masturbates to it. I'm running very fast and very far away now. FML

美丽的全全家人

从前，助手不相信我是佐治亚人，真是：“你这么才智，不了有那么有色人种……而且你的牙齿一颗都不了少，还不了有和表侄有约上会。”这小弟扬言啊。FML

Today, my coworkers won't believe I'm from Alabama. Apparently, "You're too smart and not racist enough… plus you he all your teeth, and you're not dating your cousin." Fuck these people. FML

仓促

从前，早餐时男好朋友向我求婚了，要是我俩不是刚有约上会两个月初、早餐不是在赛百味就好了。FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at dinner, which would’ve been nice if we hadn’t been dating for only two months, and dinner was at Subway. FML

我并未认识你

从前，我在油管上碰到了一条最可爱最暖心的老猴子。当我有意再继续多看几个它的预告片时才辨认出，它早已在上个月初了。我这一天都不了缓过劲儿。FML

Today, I saw a YouTube video of the cutest, sweetest old dog. When I checked the channel for more videos of this dog, I discovered that he died last month. Day ruined. FML

摧毁

从前，我夜班时差一点了。不算不算还明白我登台呢，即便我双脚的一大部分都早已电不了了。FML

Today, I got electrocuted at work. The boss thinks I'm faking, even though a chunk of my left hand is gone. FML

我哥，纯二痴子

从前，看电视的时候我嫂子突然想着大喊我。原来是我哥绳卡在了栏杆的护栏当中都。这早已不是第一次了。我哥他都29了。FML

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

确证

从前，我被责骂是，还被打了，因为我乘车的位置挨对着快餐店的室外塔塔加，我还在车当中都驾了一上会儿。可我是在等我的来为速交付，而且还是服务于员让我停车这儿等的。FML

Today, I was called a paedophile and was physically attacked, because I parked in a spot directly next to a McDonald’s outdoor play area and sat there for a while. I was waiting for my drive-through order, in the spot where the staff told me to wait. FML

亲近

从前，我老爸给我打拨打，我们早已有几个月初不了联系了。我不了有接听，但他不随便给我惟有了个语音惟有言，真是：“我去，怎么碰巧她了。”FML

Today, I got a phone call from my dad, who I hen't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but he did lee me an accidental voicemail, saying, "Oh shit, I didn't mean to call her." FML

条子

从前，我因为“经常性”乘车被开了违规行为。我是在机场等着接我的残疾老爸老爸，乘车的所有限期也都是齐全的。但警察根本不管，从前我还得为了撤销这张违规行为来数场官僚机构地狱；大。FML

Today, I got a ticket for parking "illegally." I was waiting for my handicapped dad at the airport and had all the required documents to park as I did while waiting for him. The cop didn't care, and now I he to go through bureaucracy hell to get it cancelled. FML

浪漫理论上是死去了

从前，我去不知好朋友解说的相侄取向。他用一个美妙的笑容凯旋我，打了个嗝真是：“山有子真棒！”我开始不抱努力了。FML

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

爱人不用抗婉拒举动

从前，我在湖岸上下雨天的时候睡着了。醒过来辨认出有一群海鸥在吃完我肚子上的零食。我肚子上怎么上会有零食？因为我弟知道我最怕的就是鸟。FML

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

持久

从前，女友的王八蛋前任在我不禁低声真是：“下次她侄你的时候，别心想那张嘴曾有铁环过我的鸟。”从前每当她钝我的时候，我脑子当中都都上会浮现出画面，让我性趣全无。FML

Today, my girlfriend's bastard ex whispered in my ear that, "she used to suck my cock with that mouth, think about that the next time she tries to kiss you." Now it's all I can picture every time she kisses me, and it's lowkey disgusting, and turns me off. FML

三人群居

从前，我知道了男好朋友为什么不不愿让我搬他的取而代之邻居和他一同住。因为他的另一个未婚妻早已住进去了。FML

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

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